Real Rest

Life is a balancing act – work and play, go time and sleep, time with others and time alone, etc.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it means to rest.  You know, really rest.

Sundays mornings are busy for us.  After warming up, double-checking all of my music, rehearsing with the choir, playing a service, saying hello to folks afterward, and putting everything away, I am ready to rest.  However, most of the time, I spend a few hours perusing Facebook, catching up on TV shows, checking Pinterest, and relishing the time to sit quietly at home.  After a little time passes, guess what?  I still feel just as ready for rest as I did when I started.  How can this be?  None of these things are really restful.  They pass the time, they’re fairly mindless, and I can sit quietly by myself while doing them but I’m fooling myself by thinking that I’m resting.

Here’s why: Real rest requires spending time on the right things – things that fill me up, inspire me, refresh me.  Less TV, more books.  Less Facebook, more time with SD.  Less time spent surfing Pinterest, more time spent seeking true inspiration.  Less time on the couch, more time outside.

Real rest is essential.  Make those moments count.

Image Credit: personal

The Next Chapter

I am so excited to finally write this post! Sometimes, it’s difficult to know where to start and so I’ve been writing and rewriting these opening sentences for longer than I care to admit.  Done is better than perfect.  It’s time to acknowledge the hard work and celebrate the successes.  It’s time to share this exciting new venture.  This is my next chapter.

I will be beginning my Ph.D. in Music Education at the Eastman School of Music this fall and I could not be more excited!!

When I graduated from Eastman with my master’s degree in 2010, I thought I was done with school forever.  Who needs a doctorate?  I have enough skills to get out there, teach, perform, create opportunities, build programs, and make a living for myself in music. 

For the last two years, I’ve done just that. 

Being the young, fiery, go-getter that I am, I had high expectations.  I thought teaching would be rewarding and I thought I’d learn a lot about myself in the process.  It is and I did.  But here’s what I didn’t expect: These experiences lit a fire in my core – a desire to learn more and a passion for not settling but actively trying to be the best I can be.

After nine months out in the “real world,” Steve and I had a heart-to-heart over a bottle of red wine and a box of chocolates.  “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about going back,” I said.  I hardly recognized the words as they came out of my mouth.  “But that’s normal, right?  Everyone thinks like that after graduating.  It’s all we know,” I quantified.  “I don’t think like that,” he said, smiling.  “But you should do it,” he said after a moment.  From then on, I knew this was the point of no return.  I knew what I had to do.

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Over the next few months, I spoke with a few close friends and several of my professors to gauge their reaction. 

Everyone was extremely supportive.  “I told you you’d be back,” one professor said.  Eastman was my top choice but I did my research and compared programs at a few different schools to increase my awareness of what’s out there.  Amidst wedding planning, preparing for the choir year, and lesson planning for school, I compiled a teaching portfolio, wrote personal statements, and requested letters of recommendation and transcripts.  Two weeks after returning from our honeymoon, I submitted my first application. 

I visited Teachers College at Columbia University, my other top choice, just before Thanksgiving and had a great day meeting with a few of the faculty and observing a graduate class.  It felt so right.

Just after the New Year, I received an invitation to interview at Eastman at the end of the month. 

It was a full 12-hour day: convocation, five one-on-one interviews with the faculty, three research presentations by current students, cocktail party, and dinner.  I gave 110% of myself through the entire process and I was exhausted afterward.  I felt like things had gone well but after meeting the other candidates, I began to doubt whether or not my best, my 110% was enough.  Do I have enough experience?  Do the faculty think I would be a good fit?  Did I make a good impression?  What if all of that is just not good enough?

February felt like the longest month of my life.

I kept my phone in sight at all times in case a call came in.  I skipped to the post office every day to check for the obligatory “thick envelope.”  I checked the school websites for updates from the Admission Offices.  Finally, on March 1, I received a call from one of my former professors at Eastman. 

“Consider this your unofficial acceptance,” he said.  I couldn’t wipe the silly grin off my face.  I was over the moon!  The formal paperwork followed a few weeks later and after several weeks of negotiating, I signed my name on the dotted line and sent everything in on the very last day.  Since then, I have received many warm, congratulatory notes from Eastman teachers and friends.  I am so very thankful to be returning to such a wonderful community!

Of course, rejoining the Eastman community means leaving the community we’ve been a part of for the last two years: The community where we’ve had so many great opportunities to grow as teachers and musicians.  The community that celebrated with us when we got engaged and when we got married last year.  The community where we built the Westminster Chamber Music Workshop. 

I’ve learned so much about myself since moving here.  I grew as a teacher.  I found my authentic voice in writing.  I developed a passion for community music education.  Though bittersweet for sure, I know that this new adventure is the right decision for me and for us.

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What does this new future hold?  Well, the Ph.D. is a 3-year degree program and I’ll be enrolled full time.  Because I recently completed my master’s degree at Eastman, I’ve already taken many of the required courses for the Ph.D. program, meaning I have a lot of flexibility in really tailoring the program to my research interests.  I know I am a complete nerd but I can’t wait for my first week at school when I’ll have the chance to sit down with my advisor and plan out my course schedule for the next three years! 

In addition to classwork, I’ll also be working at the school as a teaching assistant (TA) for a few music education classes and as an administrative assistant in the Music Education Office and the Institute for Music Leadership.  I’m excited for these opportunities because they combine so many of my interests – so grateful to do what I love!

The journey continues.  Let the games begin!

Reality Check

"i love you much (most beautiful darling) more than anyone on the earth and i like you better than everything in the sky." - e.e. cummings It was a typical Tuesday evening.  We ate a late supper, worked for a little while, exercised, and watched a TV episode to unwind.  At this point, 11:00 p.m., SD got up to get ready for bed.  I opened up WordPress to finish a post I had in progress.

“Time for bed,” he said rather sternly.  “Why are you acting like a Nazi?” I responded, defensively.  “I’m just trying to keep you from working 24/7,” he said.  The words stung a little and stopped me dead in my tracks.

I work hard.  We both do.  But there’s a difference between living to work and working to live.  I love what I do but that doesn’t mean it’s my top priority 100% of the time.  Life is made up of priorities that we set and boundaries we establish to protect the things that are most important to us.  No else can set those boundaries for us.  Tuesday’s late-night exchange made me question what I really value and how I show that with my time and my actions.

When I bring my computer down to the kitchen to continue working on emails while SD cooks dinner, I may be keeping him company and yes, I offer to help but I’m also showing that I can’t set my work aside.  I don’t have time to just be there, fully present.  When SD drives and I take out my iPhone to skim Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, etc., I may be able to carry on a conversation with him but I’m showing that I can’t focus on just him.

And, since I’m on a roll, I have another confession to make.  Part of me feels like I thrive on multitasking.  It’s almost like I’m competing with myself: setting the bar higher and higher, challenging myself to balance more things at once and not crack under the pressure.  Is that bad?  I whole-heartedly believe in challenging oneself, setting goals, and not settling for adequate when you can do and be so much more.  However, there is a time and a place for Wonder Woman and it’s not when we’re trying to unwind at the end of the day.  You see, I have this bad habit during commercial breaks.  I open up a new browser window and work on that blog post I started earlier or I begin editing my to-do list for tomorrow.  Terrible, I know!

Here’s the lesson I need to teach myself: Learn to just be.  Sometimes, we all need time to just sit a spell and be fully present, don’t you think?

Fast forward to Wednesday night at 5:00 p.m.  I stepped away from my computer, left my phone on the coffee table upstairs, and made a vegetable lasagna (from scratch!) with SD.  It felt like such a luxury, I thought it was the weekend!  At 7:30 p.m., I sat back down to work for a few hours but I was refocused and driven and I powered right through my to-do list.  No time for distractions – just clear, focused work.  What an incredible feeling!

Here’s to reality checks, to refocusing, to being fully present, and to treating every day like the weekend.

Things That Fire Me Up

Earlier this week, I read this post and was inspired to take the time to make my own list.  Truthfully, if you ask Steve, he’d tell you that there are lots of things that fire me up – I have fire in blood (I am from the south, after all).  However, identifying the things that truly fill me up, satisfy me, and fire me up to do more and be more required a little bit of thought.  What a powerful exercise for setting priorities and recognizing what is most important!  For me, it comes down to worship, time with SD, music (building + making), writing, and clean designs for home and work.  This is my heart, the things that matter most of all.  This is why I do what I do.

What fires you up?  Where is your authentic core?  Download your own Fired Up List right here.

Leap

It’s the last day of my spring semester classes and I could not be more grateful!  This semester has stretched me farther than I thought possible and molded me into a different teacher than I was when I started.  Here’s my semester, at a glance: 45 students 330 PowerPoint Slides 89 pages of notes (single-spaced) 28 lesson plans 15 Quizzes 7 Group Project Assignments 2 Paper Assignments (5-page, 10-page) 4 Playing Quizzes (4 tracks each) 12 Piano Juries

Can you believe it’s been two years since I started as an adjunct?  There have been moments where I felt I was in over my head, teaching classes I didn’t feel qualified to teach, and drawing connections between content I had only learned myself through my lesson planning.  But, I knew the challenges would be worth it.  I knew overcoming those fears was necessary and important to my future success.  I knew I had to say “yes” to these new opportunities even though my head (and all sensibility) said “no.”  I knew I had to leap – and trust that I could build my wings on the way down.

What have I learned through the process?  I’ve learned that some students really love learning and soak up everything you say like a sponge.  I’ve also learned that some students struggle with the demands and responsibilities of college – enough to lie multiple times about a missing assignment.  I’ve learned that some students have never been asked to write a research paper before and don’t know where the line of plagiarism falls.  And I’ve learned that some students care enough about their final papers that they look up the archives of a Russian newspaper to find a review of a musical premiere – even though they don’t read Russian.  I’ve learned that accessible teaching means connecting to things they know – like showing the Family Guy Remix of Steve Reich’s tape phasing experiment, “It’s Gonna Rain.”

What’s holding you back?  Is it fear that keeps you from doing and being your best?  Define it, acknowledge it, and then set it aside.  Who’s stopping you?  Are you stopping yourself?  Is your head telling you you can’t, you’re not good enough, you’ll fail?  Identify whatever it is that disables you and move on.  Take that leap and learn how to fly.

When Mondays Happen

I gave in to Monday pretty early in the game today.  I admit it.

• Perhaps it was the man who walked out in front of my car on the way to school this morning and DIDN’T EVEN TURN AROUND as I slammed on the breaks. 

• Perhaps it was having to bounce back and forth between my office (shared by other adjuncts and students taking make-up tests) and the conference room trying to get a little work done before class this afternoon. 

• Perhaps it was the student who didn’t show up for their lesson this morning.  Or perhaps it was 45 minutes later when I decided to take that phone call and within minutes, said student appeared, knocking on the door of the practice room where I was “hiding.”

The point is, I gave in.  This was not my timing.  Things were not going according to my plan for the day.  I was frustrated with myself and the people around me.

At some point in the afternoon, I realized the response to things not going as planned is not to give in or give up but simply to go with it.

Accommodate.  Adjust.  Revise.  Move on.

You know what happened after I made this mental switch? 

• I spoke with a student before class instead of meeting with her during my lunch break. 

• I got a sweet message from a friend. 

• I had great lessons with a 6- and 8-year-old brother/sister preparing for the upcoming recital. 

• My last student of the day canceled (not great in and of itself but it meant I got to leave early!). 

• I had cheese straws as a pre-dinner snack. 

• We received an unexpected, generous sponsorship for the WCMW. 

Suddenly, Monday wasn’t so bad after all.

Change your expectations.  Adapt.  Adjust your course of action or make a new course altogether.  Go with it and live today to its fullest potential.

A Girl with Many Hats

As a musician, teacher, director, self-starter, etc., etc., I wear many hats. While I am certainly grateful for so many opportunities to work in music, it can be challenging to juggle multiple to-do lists, lesson plans, and professional responsibilities in a given week.  One of my goals for 2012 is balance: setting boundaries, giving my full attention to one thing at a time, and handling the day-to-day craziness with grace.  I am still working on this (read: Have you met me?  I am the QUEEN of multi-tasking!)  What I’ve learned, however is that trying to manage everything all at once can be is overwhelming and leaves me feeling under-prepared and very unbalanced.

Taking things one at a time, focusing on the task before me, making effective decisions, and moving forward one step at a time (rather than getting carried away) leaves me feeling much more in control, balanced, and empowered to do great things.

On a weekly basis, I am a piano teacher, a choir director, an adjunct professor, a pianist and organist, an artistic director, and a web designer (my latest self-taught venture).  This is not a 9-5 job.  Each requires 100% of me – my time, my energy, my creativity, my attention.  Confession: It is impossible for me to be all of these things at once.

My days are far from cookie cutter – things will always come up that distract me and vie for my attention.  The key (I’m learning) is to segment my time the best I can and to make choices that prepare for and support success.  Success does not mean being superwoman and doing the work of 10 men four days a week.  Instead, success means achieving that equilibrium of balance, control, and accomplishment… and learning to wear one hat at a time.

Simplicity

"Simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication." - Leonardo da Vinci In my class’ study of American Transcendentalism last week, I got to remind them of Henry Thoreau’s famous quote: “Simplify, simplify, simplify.”  You see, simplicity really is the ultimate form of sophistication, as the quote above states.  That’s why the impromptu “vacation” we took on Wednesday night, though as simple as could be, was better than ever.

“I think you need a vacation,” Steve said to me as we walked in the door.  I dropped my book bag and stack of papers to grade and kicked off my shoes.  “That sounds GREAT,” I said.  “What do you have in mind?”  A little while later, I was in my pajamas and we were sharing take-out pizza and watching a movie we picked up from the library.  It was perfect.

Sometimes, simplicity is all that you need.

Finding Joy

Count it all joy.  All of it. That's quite the challenge, don't you think?  I find myself asking for compromise: "Can't I just pick a few really good things to be joyful about?"  Of course, I know the answer.  There is joy to be found all along the journey, not just at the scenic overlooks.  Your job is to seek it.  Seek joy.

I used to think joy meant turning into Pollyanna, determined to turn everything in life into a positive.  No, joy is deeper than that.  Joy is the bigger picture.  You can't soak it up as you run by onto the next thing in your day.  Stop.  Stand still.  Take a deep breath.

• Joy is not dwelling on the things that went wrong but celebrating what went right.
• Joy is accepting the imperfect with grace.
• Joy is greater than anger and frustration.
• Joy is spontaneous.  And contagious.
• Joy is all around you.

Standing still in the midst of a world traveling a mile a minute, I think to myself, "There, you found it."  This is joy - larger than life and much larger than the little things that keep me spinning in circles day in and day out.  A wise friend reminds me often, "The joy is in the journey" and friends, the journey is so much more than just the distance between here and there!  In the midst of those crazy, circle-spinning days, there's joy in teaching, there's joy in helping others, there's joy in making music, there's joy in homemade blueberry muffins (even if they are from a box), and there's joy in sharing this journey with a sweet, funny, selfless man.

Find a moment today to just stop, quiet your heart and mind, and count it all joy.

At the Symphony

We're off for a day in the city to shop and hear the BSO play!  It's always great to be in Symphony Hall and the orchestra has a great program lined up for this weekend: Ravel, Stravinsky, and Shostakovich.  Of course, I love any day I get to spend with SD.  Concerts are way more fun with company! :-)  I'm also looking forward to traveling by train today - something about it always makes me feel so sophisticated!  Happy weekend, friends!