Cracked Wide Open

Do you know those times when you feel like your head is in a million places? 

You're so busy trying to keep all 10 plates spinning that you're not really 100% present and that responsibility, that weight feels like the weight of the world upon your shoulders.

Can you relate? If so, I have a story for you.

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We had a busy weekend.

I spent six hours in the car on Saturday (dropping Steve off for a weekend away, picking up my dress in CT, and running a few last-minute wedding errands: who knew chalkboards were so hard to find?). 

The weight of Sunday morning began to set in. 

I stocked my night table with a box of tissues and cough drops (battling a cold since the middle of last week) and bought an extra alarm clock, just to be safe.  Good thing I thought to take it out of the box before going to bed — another trip out to buy AAA batteries.

Sunday morning, 6:45 a.m., neither alarm sounded.  Thankfully, my night was restless and I was awake anyway. 

I dressed for the foggy, cool morning, grabbed a coke, and ran out the door at 7:45 a.m. 

To-do:

• run-through music

• pick up chairs in Choir Room

• make a seating chart for the children's choir

• rehearse

At 8:45 a.m., I had four of the twelve children I was expecting to sing. 

At 9:00 a.m., I had half of the adult choir I expected. 

We started rehearsing nonetheless.  A few more faces joined the group and panic set in as they realized Steve (their unofficial "leader") was not there.  After a 60-second counseling session ("really, y'all will be just fine"), they were on their way.

I took my seat at the piano and waited for the announcements. 

Are the choir members leaving enough room for latecomers?  Are they being quiet? 

Lifting my hands to the keyboard for the prelude, I saw the pastor stand up and make his way to the center.  I scrambled to change books when I realized he was skipping ahead.  No worries, crisis averted. 

And so we proceeded:

Gathering Song
Call to Worship
Opening Hymn: four verses, melody on the swell manual for verse 3. It's just one wrong note — let it go.
Passing of the Peace: old language in the bulletin — remember to fix that in staff meeting. Don't slip running down to the piano!
Scripture readings
Time with the Children: will that children's choir member remember that we're singing today since he missed the rehearsal?
Combined anthem (three choirs): it's worth the split-second pause to make sure the page is turned Meditation: why is my contact so blurry? Will I have to play the rest of the service with one eye closed?
Middle Hymn: three verses, adjust melody second time through based on how the congregation is singing it Joys/Concerns: a moment of panic when all eyes turn to me with the announcement of our wedding next weekend
Lord's Prayer (sung)
Offertory
Doxology
Offertory Prayer: bolt to organ for Closing Hymn — no time to hesitate, play introduction, hear whispers, see people sit down, read the word, "Communion!" on choir members' lips.  (This prayer is new in the communion service and for over a year it's been my cue to run to the organ.  So, I heard the prayer, and I ran to the organ.  Completely blind once I’m back there, I completely skipped the communion portion of the service.) Skulk back down to the piano. Bread, music (wait for the pastor), cup, music (wait for the pastor), prayer: dash to the organ
Closing Hymn: four verses, make sure choir leaves on verse 2 after the deacons have extinguished the candles Benediction: dash to the piano
Benediction Response: who is talking in the back of the church?
Postlude

Cracked. wide. open. 

Do you know how that feels?  Do you know how hard it is to not let yourself fall apart but instead, to pick up your broken self and keep going?  I suddenly felt much sicker than I really was.  Foggy lightheadedness felt like it could just consume me.  But I had to keep going. 

It's not that I expect perfection — I know things can never be perfect.  I strive to be invisible in worship, to be an instrument, per se.  I want the music to speak for itself and I don't want to do anything that detracts from that.

Yesterday, as hard as it was to come out from behind the organ to play the rest of the service — broken and embarrassed, I managed.  I struggled with showing grace to myself.  It's hard for me to just accept such a public moment of fault as "okay." 

I took a risk. 

I didn't hesitate with the hymn introduction — I came right in, boldly and confidently.  This is one small consequence of that level of risk-taking.  Is it worth it?  Is it better to take the plunge and play your heart out at the wrong time or hesitate, play with half of yourself, and perhaps avoid such public errors?

I'd rather be known as someone who brings their whole heart into what they do; someone who takes those risks and is willing to make those public mistakes; someone who can be cracked. wide. open. and still, keep going. 

Grace is part of the process.

The Premiere: Follow-Up

Well, we're back from our whirlwind trip to Rochester... and we're working on getting back in the swing of things. It's a little more than six hours each way and while we both love road trips, it was a little taxing to drive there and back in the span of three days.  On the way there, we were very productive: we mapped out an agenda for the wedding rehearsal (processional order, who sits where, etc.), made to-do lists for the days leading up to the wedding, made a list of things left to buy, and wrote down a list of emails to send this week.  On the way home, one of us drove most of the way and one of us took a series of short naps (okay, I confess - I just couldn't keep my eyes open!).

Nevertheless, it was a great trip.  We arrived in Rochester around 6:00 p.m. on Sunday and settled on Dinosaur BBQ for dinner.  Y'all are probably thinking, "Barbeque?  In upstate New York?"  Let me tell you, it's delicious and authentic and in all the time we lived in Rochester, we never visited the restaurant!  We ordered a pulled pork sandwich and half of a rack of ribs (along with several sides: cajun corn, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, cornbread, and baked beans).  We ordered a piece of Blackjack Pie to go (pecan pie with Jack Daniels and chocolate chips).

We spent most of Monday soaking up Gibbs Street: Eastman's Main Hall, Java's, sitting in on an RPO rehearsal (Steve), surprise visits with professors and friends, and observing the Wind Ensemble dress rehearsal.  This was the first time either of us heard Steve's new piece ("Distant Moons") - great experience.  The director even asked him to come up on stage to give a few comments!  Reason #54 for upgrading to a phone with a camera.  We changed into our evening attire, had dinner down East Ave. at Veneto - a wood-fired sausage, pepper, and onion pizza with salad - and even had time for a cup of coffee (and our third visit to Java's) before the concert at 8:00 p.m.

This was a combined concert for the Eastman Wind Orchestra and the Eastman Wind Ensemble.  Here is the program:

Eastman Wind Orchestra: Husa: Smetana Fanfare Camphouse: A Movement for Rosa Holst: Suite in F (100th Anniversary of the work)

Eastman Wind Ensemble: Danyew: Distant Moons Cahn: Night Ride for Timpani Sierra: Carnaval (premiere)

As a side note, the Eastman Wind Orchestra is the school's freshman/sophomore wind ensemble, focusing on standard wind band classics, music for chamber winds, new music for wind ensemble and transcriptions.  The Eastman Wind Ensemble is America’s leading wind ensemble, and has frequently toured and recorded.  Its core of about 50 performers includes undergraduate and graduate students performing wind ensemble music from the 17th to the 21st centuries.

"Distant Moons" is a work based on the black and white photography of American icon Ansel Adams.  Musically, the piece is full of contrasts, imitating the light/dark, near/distant, high/low contrasts of Adams' work.  "I can see Ansel Adams' work when I listen to your piece," a woman said to Steve at the end of the piece.  It was so exciting to be a part of the audience for this world premiere!

The Premiere

Today, we are back at Eastman.  It's a perfect time in the semester to escape for a few days and what better reason than for the world premiere of one of Steve's pieces for wind ensemble!  Yes, the Eastman Wind Ensemble, under the direction of Dr. Mark Scatterday will be premiering "Distant Moons" tonight at 8 p.m. in this hall.  This is the inside of Kodak Hall at Eastman Theatre, by the way.  The chandelier is one of my favorite features. A few things I am looking forward to during this trip:

- Hearing the whole program tonight - it's been such a long time since we've been to a concert! - A walk down to Orange Glory for the best lemon cookie in the world - Visiting with teachers and friends - Quiet dinner out (still trying to settle on a restaurant!) - Apple Cider from Java's

While we're still quasi-working during our visit, I think it's important for us to set everything aside (at least for part of the day) and take a breather.  The past few weeks have been crazy with school, teaching, choirs, and wedding planning and the next few are going to be just as busy.  (I'm dreaming about ivory vs. white tablecloths, y'all.)  I just keep reminding myself how important it is to prioritize and give 100% of myself to one. thing. at. a. time.  Grace, not perfection.  This is not a multitasking competition (though, I think I would be awesome at that).  The joy is in the journey!

Christmas Choir Kick-Off: Highlights

It's the most wonderful time of the year!  We had our Christmas Choir Kick-Off this past Saturday and the weather turned cool just in time!  From red and green Christmas sweaters to the potluck lunch and paper snowflakes to gingerbread houses, a great time was had by all.  Here are a few pictures from the day:

My team's gingerbread house creation: notice the woodpile, warm glowing windows, picket fence, garlands, bushes, and fresh snowfall.

Keeping Up

We're at the 19-day marker, y'all.

It sounds a little better right now to say "a little less than three weeks" — seems like that gives us more time to get everything in order for the BIG DAY. 

• We have collections of pewter dishes, ribbons, wine bottles, and Christmas decorations (from the Christmas Choir Kick-Off this weekend) lining our entryway. 

• I have about eight pieces of clothing hanging on my closet door (literally since the first week of August) to bring to the dry cleaner. 

• I am going to try on my dress this weekend for the first time since April. 

The pace of life is fast right now... and by fast I mean flying.

This week, that meant typing up grant applications for the WCMW while driving to VT for wedding errands, emailing schedules to the wedding vendors while sitting at the laundromat, checking emails on my Blackberry in between choir rehearsals, and writing out the seating chart for the rehearsal dinner on scratch paper in the car. 

Oh, and I downed my coffee/hot chocolate this morning in three minutes flat before running out the door to get ready for church.

The question, "Am I keeping up with everything?" is one that I ask myself at least five times a day. Can you relate?

Albert Einstein has some pretty great words of advice for people like us: "Life is like riding a bicycle: In order to keep your balance, you must keep moving." 

I think balance is a key word here. 

Forward motion is important, but it doesn't drive everything.  In order to get everything done that needs to be done, I need balance in my life.

For me, balance means:

• taking a breather from emails on the weekends (at least from my school account)

• spending less time on my laptop/Blackberry on the weekends in general

• taking time to cook dinner with Steve on weekend nights (last night, we made apple- and bacon-stuffed pork chops with a maple glaze)

• not lingering at church after the service — cleaning up the Choir Room can wait until Monday evening

• making time to do something on the weekend that I wouldn't normally do during the week (for instance, yesterday, I made fresh guacamole... up until the point when I sliced my finger open with our brand new tomato knife.  Steve had to take over on this one.)

• spending a few minutes at the end of each day writing down everything I want to remember in the morning

• taking a short walk to the Post Office after lunch (fresh air + exercise + no Blackberry = mental breather)

• sending more emails from my Blackberry during the day (in between things) rather than waiting until I am at my computer again

How do you keep up?  How do you achieve balance in everyday work?

Where I Work

Welcome to my home-away-from-home!

Thought you might like a little tour of where I work, practice, plan, and teach! We had a crazy but wonderful night of rehearsals last night - first night back for the children in Singers & Scholars and we even had a couple of new faces! Tomorrow is our Christmas Choir Kick-Off for the Sanctuary Choir (and friends joining us for the cantata - yes, I discovered a stack of cantata scores in the choir library during my Christmas planning this summer!) With rehearsal time, a potluck lunch, Christmas decorations, fellowship, and even a gingerbread house decorating contest, it promises to be a stellar way to begin the season. Pictures to follow...

Oprah Winfrey: Interview

"What are you really passionate about?"  "What would you do if you didn't have fear?"  "How can you use your life as a service to yourself, your family, and your community?" These are just a few of the challenging questions Oprah asks herself and those listening to this interview (from last week, September 8, by the way).  It's a message of authenticity and real-life experience.  Be you.  Be true and authentic.  Be the best you can be.  And don't let fear hold you back.

Watch the video here.

Daydreams

*Disclosure: I get commissions for purchases made through links in this post.

This was the name of the piece I assigned to Bobby last week. Bobby is a well-mannered redhead, autistic, and in the 8th grade.

Now in our third month of lessons, this piece from The Music Tree, Part I is four measures long with three 4-beat patterns total. Bobby immediately brought his hands up to the keyboard and played through the piece, aggressively. Looking at me briefly for approval, I pointed to the page and said, "What about this half note?" "Oh yeah," he said quickly, replacing his hands on the keys.

Again, he played through the piece, correcting his position when he realized he was off by a step. He began again. I could tell by his body language that he was just not in the mood to play music off the page. In a moment of hesitation, Bobby suddenly diverged into another register and musical atmosphere completely, though I recognized a few patterns from "Daydreams."

"Why don't you play this version of 'Daydreams' and then play me your version based on some of these patterns," I suggested. Forcefully, he again played the four bars, struggling to keep the rhythm going. "Okay," I said. "Now play your version of 'Daydreams.'" With no hesitation, Bobby brought both hands up to the keyboard in a fell swoop and began playing his improvisation. Both feet immediately moved to the una corda and sostenuto pedals and he experimented with the change in sound with unabashed confidence.

I listened intently to the layers of sound — covering the extremities of the keyboard — very carefully placed and intentional. In some cases, it was musical babble; in others, it was very much an embellishment of the original piece. Amidst the glissandi (yes, glissandi) up and down the keyboard, the cluster chords, the quick flourishes, and even a theme from the improvisation he played for me last week (I was amazed that he incorporated this), Bobby returned to the original "Daydreams" again and again. "He gets it," I thought to myself. 

Sometimes, the patterns were played softly in the upper register (above the wash of sound he created with the pedal) and sometimes he augmented them slightly in the middle register. I also noticed a few black-key motives from his improvisation last week making a reappearance in this new context. It was fascinating to see and hear his creativity.

After a couple of minutes, I thought to myself, "How long should I let this improvisation activity last? There are other pieces I'd like to get to in this lesson. How do I know when he's at the end?" At a seemingly logical stopping place, I interjected, "That's great Bobby! I love your interpretation of 'Daydreams,'" but he simply glanced up at me and continued on with his improvisation. I quickly realized that this was a valuable teaching moment and a perfectly appropriate way to spend our lesson time. I listened to Bobby's use of tonal patterns, rhythms, and repetition. I watched him play. He was into it. He was making music. He was incorporating things we had learned but he was making it his own. When he arrived at the end of his improvisation, I knew it was complete.

We finished the lesson with a few activities from the lesson book but I was struck by what I had just witnessed. I wondered if others would hear the things that I heard — the creativity, the sensitivity, the synthesis. I learned something new today about music as a language.

First Day of School

It's my first day of school today - second year as a professor!  What a different world it is to spend the last few weeks of summer checking enrollment, revising a syllabus, triple-checking all the technology in the classroom, and writing lesson plans.

There's something very exciting to me about this world of academia.  Students criss-crossing over the quad; tall, ivy-covered buildings; libraries full of books; the voices of lecturers drifting through the hallway.  The pursuit of knowledge can be a very exciting one if you put your mind to learning.  As I approach the academic world from "the other side," I feel like one of my primary goals as a teacher is to inspire learning.  I want my students to succeed and do well but I want them to truly desire learning most of all.  As I told a student today, I truly believe you can be as successful as you want to be.  How do you teach this level of commitment and strength of will?  How do you develop independent learners?  So you see, even professors have much still to learn.

This afternoon, I'll meet the five bright-eyed students currently enrolled in my class (as of 10:19 p.m. last night); dive into our thick, spiral-bound textbook; and pray for no major technology failures.  However, seeing as how technology is not always on our my side, the backup plan is to play "air piano" and play multiple rounds of "rhythm editing" - a sure crowd-pleaser.  Don't you wish you were in my class?!

Image Credit: personal

It's One of Those Days...

It's one of those days.  My feet hit the ground running this morning. Welcome to the fall semester, right?!

Inboxes (yes, three of them) full of unanswered emails from the weekend, staff meeting this morning, errands to run, studio lessons this afternoon, meetings to schedule, etc.  And then there are the unexpected things that come up... a reporter calling to interview me about the cultural council grant we received for the workshop this year, booking a hair salon for the wedding party, responding to student inquiries, a 2-and-a-half hour staff meeting, and dealing with a Blackberry that is constantly blinking for attention.  Grace, not perfection, my friends.  I likely will not cross everything off my to-do list today.  I will probably not be able to make all the phone calls I need to make before 5 p.m.  I will, however strive to be the best that I can be in accomplishing as much as I am able.  One thing at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Image Credit: personal